But what if the problem isn’t low libido persay, but rather a lost connection to your body?

In this episode, I talk to psychologist and leading sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto about the science of mindfulness and why it’s become one of the most effective psychological treatments for low desire and arousal in women.

We discuss how mindfulness improves sexual wellbeing, why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always match, and why pills designed to “fix” low desire often fall short.

We explore:

• What mindfulness actually is — and why it’s often misunderstood
• Why improving body awareness (interoception) can influence desire
• The research behind mindfulness-based sex therapy
• Why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always align
• The limits of medications designed to treat low desire
• The role of shame and self-criticism in sexual difficulties
• Why relationship therapy alone often doesn’t resolve sexual problems
• Where to start if you’re curious about using mindfulness to reconnect with desire

02:31 - How Dr. Lori Brotto Got Into Sex Research

05:29 - What Is Mindfulness, Really?

14:34 - How Mindfulness Works for Low Desire

18:11 - Arousal Non-Concordance (& Why It Matters?)

21:49 - The Problem with Pharmaceutical Solutions

24:59 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

29:22 - Why Relationship Therapy Alone Often Isn't Enough

30:46 - The Mirror Exercise & Confronting Shame

33:18 - How Often Should You Practice Mindfulness?

37:06 - Mindfulness for Neurodivergent People

40:49 - What If You Hate Mindfulness?

42:28 - The Hope Effect & Reducing Distress

43:34 - Mindfulness Research On Men

46:26 - The Importance of Women's Sexual Health Research

48:57 - Closing Thoughts: Interoception, Self-Compassion & Why Sexual Health Matters

Papers mentioned in this episode: 

• Effects of Group Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy versus Supportive Sex Education on Sexual Concordance and Sexual Response Among Women with Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder
• Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy Improves Genital-Subjective Arousal Concordance in Women With Sexual Desire/Arousal Difficulties
• Group mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in women
• Homework adherence in mindfulness-based cognitive interventions for female sexual dysfunction: a scoping review

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In this episode, I talk about something that’s far more common than most of us realise: saying yes to sex in a committed relationship even when you’re not really in the mood.

It's about the kinds of moments where you agree because it feels easier than arguing, because you don’t want to disappoint your partner, or because you hope you’ll “get into it” once you start.

We look at what the research says about why we do this, when it’s more neutral, and when it reduces desire and closeness further - or becomes harmful. 

Toward the end, I share a simple reflection exercise to help you understand your own “yes” — and whether it’s something that it's helpful, or costing you something. 

In this episode, we explore:

• Why saying yes to unwanted sex is incredibly common in long-term relationships
• The difference between saying yes because you want connection — and saying yes to avoid conflict or guilt
• The subtle forms of pressure that don’t look like pressure
• When and why sexual compliance can sometimes lead to positive outcomes, and why it more often leads to negative outcomes. 
• A ​guided, free exercise to work out your own 'yes'

02:20 - What Is Sexual Compliance?

05:37 - Today's Research Paper: How Common Is Unwanted Sex?

07:03 - Why People Say Yes: Approach vs. Avoidance Motives

09:35 - It's About Power

11:29 - The Mental Load & Desire Connection

12:31 - The Two Types of Pressure: Explicit vs. Implicit

14:20 - Monogamy & the Unspoken Contract

16:21 - What Are the Consequences?

18:23 - My Sex-Therapist "Neutral at Worst" Stance & What it Means

19:36 - Avoidance Motives & Long-Term Harm

21:48 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

22:29 - Free Exercise: Identifying Your Pattern

28:52 - Breaking the Cycle & Finding Support

The study discussed in this episode is Sexual Compliance in Finnish Committed Relationships: Sexual Self-Control, Relationship Power, and Experienced Consequences by Himanen & Gunst, published in The Journal of Sex Research.

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Sex can start to feel like something you’re being evaluated on — rather than something you get to enjoy.

In this episode, I talk with licensed counsellor Bowen Marshall about how ADHD, Autism, masking, and performance expectations affect our sex lives — and why so many people end up feeling like they need to "get sex right", instead of actually feeling pleasure.

We specifically talk about:

• Attachment patterns and sex
• Why sex can start to feel like performance rather than pleasure
• How masking and self-monitoring undermine sexual connection and pleasure
• The role dopamine plays in desire, arousal, and motivation
• Why many people don’t know what they enjoy — and why that’s not a failure
• How expectations around sex create pressure and anxiety
• What it can look like to shift focus from “doing it right” to what actually feels good

Chapters:

1:48 - Introducing Bowen Marshall
4:02 - Bowen's Journey into Specializing in Neurodivergence
9:54 - Understanding Masking & Attachment Theory
17:57 - How Masking Shows Up in Relationships
22:42 - The Hot Stove Analogy: Understanding ADHD Challenges
28:55 - Sexual Challenges with ADHD & Autism
33:34 - Performance vs. Connection: When Sex Becomes a Test
38:08 - Dopamine, Motivation & the ADHD Brain
42:41 - Sex, Dopamine & Competing Sources of Pleasure
47:57 - P*rn vs. Partnered Sex: The McDonald's vs. Michelin Analogy
52:43 - Using Kink Language for Better Communication
57:11 - Final Advice: Finding What Feels Good
59:37 - Where to Follow Bowen Marshall
1:00:03 - A Sex Therapist's Reflections: Expectations & Presence
1:05:45 - Closing & Resources

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Along with this confession usually comes grief, shame, and worry that something important to them is lost forever.

In this episode, I explore the science of sexual nostalgia: why remembering past sexual connection can sometimes help rekindle desire — and why, in other cases, it can actually make things worse.

I also include a free exercise toward the end to help you revisit past positive sex memories and increase desire.

We talk about:

• Why remembering “how it used to be” can either ignite desire or shut it down
• When nostalgia becomes a resource — and when it turns into grief
• How sexual turn-ons can become turn-offs, and what to do if that happens for you
• A guided, free exercise to ignite desire by diving into sexual nostalgia

Chapters:

01:41 What is Sexual Nostalgia?

04:09 Study Overview: Sexual Nostalgia & Satisfaction

04:43 Attachment Styles & Nostalgia

05:33 When Nostalgia Helps vs. Hurts

08:41 Clinical Insights: Attachment & Desire

12:05 Using Nostalgia as a Tool, Not a Time Machine

12:39 How Turn-Ons Change Over Time & What To Do About It

17:41 Nostalgia vs. Fantasy

19:53 Guided Exercise: Access Desire Through Memory

21:21 Interpreting Your Response to the Exercise

24:27 Closing Thoughts & How to Get Support

The study discussed in this episode is Rose Colored Glasses: An Exploration of the Relationship between Sexual Nostalgia and Sexual Satisfaction by Thompson et al., published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Download the free exercise Access Desire Through Memory.

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In part two of this series on sexual performance anxiety, I talk with health psychologist and clinical sexologist Dr Evie Kirana about how to deal with sexual performance anxiety. We break down the real mind–body connection (no woo here - just pure physiology!), why you can’t force your erection or orgasm to cooperate, and how to shift from performance pressure to meaningful connection.

You’ll learn:

• Why fighting or hiding your anxiety makes it stronger
• How to tolerate anxiety in the moment without shutting down
• The four practical steps to deal with sexual performance anxiety in a new clinical model
• How connection-focused goals (instead of "I-have-to-get-this-righ goals") help your body during sex
• How partners can support without becoming the “fixer” or the “nurse"

Timestamps:

01:24 Introducing Dr. Evie Kirana

03:50 Gender Differences in Seeking Treatment for Sexual Dysfunction

05:30 Understanding Sexual Performance Anxiety (SPA)

07:57 Shame and Its Role

10:05 Cognitive Reappraisal: Changing Unhelpful Thoughts

13:06 Why We Can’t Control Sexual Function (Much Like Other Bodily Functions)

15:53 Shifting from Performance Goals to Connection Goals

18:44 The 4 Phases of Managing Sexual Performance Anxiety (& How To Do It)

25:05 Partner Dynamics and Navigating Progress Together

28:08 Why Society Doesn’t Talk About Sexual Performance Anxiety

31:45 Key Takeaways from Dr. Evie Kirana's Research

34:14 When to Seek Professional Help for Anxiety

36:45 Resources: MindMyErection.com

38:30 My Sex-Therapist Reflections & Final Thoughts

48:17 Outro & Support Resources

You can find Dr. Kirana’s free video resources for men & people with penises (and their partners) at MindMyErection.com.

The study discussed in this episode is A theoretical model for sexual performance anxiety (SPA) and a clinical approach for its remediation (SPA-R) by Rowland & Kirana, published in Sexual Medicine Review.

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In part one of this series, I talk with researcher Dr David Rowland about what sexual performance anxiety actually is, how it develops, and what’s happening in your brain and body when anxiety takes over. We unpack why pills can help penises but not people, why avoidance keeps the cycle alive, and how cultural expectations fuel shame.

You’ll learn:

• The three ingredients of performance anxiety: expectation, evaluation, and consequence
• Why anxiety and sexual arousal can’t coexist in the body
• What happens when you avoid sex to “protect yourself” — and why it backfires
• Why thinking you're going to fail, increases the likelihood you will
• How and why the brain can sometimes create a preferred response toward anxiety

Timestamps:

00:23 – Introducing Dr. David Rowland

01:24 – Dr. Rowland’s Background

03:29 – The Need for Sex Education

05.25 – How Medication for Erectile Dysfunction Changed Our View On Performance Anxiety

06:14 – Pills vs. People: The Limits of Medication

06:34 – Why Sexual Anxiety Still Exists Despite Pills

06:57 – 3 Aspects of Sexual Performance Anxiety

09:14 – The Function of Anxiety

11:21 – The Brain and Anxiety Response

13:19 – How Anxiety Affects Sexual Response

15:00 – Anxiety, Masturbation, and Sexual Function

16:40 – How The Brain Can Develop A Preferred Response To Anxiety

20:01 – Avoidance as a Coping Mechanism

22:18 – Over-Preparation and Mindfulness

25:30 – The Role of Anxiety in Sexual Problems

31:00 – Cultural Ideals and Male Sexual Performance

33:33 – What to Do About Performance Anxiety

47:54 – My Sex-Therapist Take On The Impact of “Soft” Sexual Problems

48:18 – Pleasure, Productivity, and Underfunding

50:00 – The Brutal Cultural Ideals Surrounding "Performance"

51:33 – What to Do About It

52:19 – Closing Thoughts & Resources

The study discussed in this episode is A theoretical model for sexual performance anxiety (SPA) and a clinical approach for its remediation (SPA-R) by Rowland & Kirana, published in Sexual Medicine Review.

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In this episode, I talk with researcher Dr. Glen Spielmans about bremelanotide — a medication approved in the US for low sexual desire in women. On paper, it’s designed to target brain receptors linked to desire. But when you look closely at the trials, the story gets a lot more complicated.

We get into:

• How the “statistically significant” results in the trials were actually very small, and why that matters for real-life change

• What happened when outcome measures were switched after the study was finished — and how that made the drug look more effective than it really was

• Why so many participants dropped out, and what those high dropout rates tell us about tolerability and side effects like nausea

• How measuring something as complex as desire with just two survey questions misses the bigger picture entirely

• And why solutions for low desire rarely come from quick fixes alone, especially when the underlying issues run deeper

The study discussed in this episode is Small Effects, Questionable Outcomes: Bremelanotide for Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder by Spielmans & Ellefson, published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Timestamps:

00:29 Meet Dr. Glenn Spielmans – The Truth-Seeker

01:47 The “Desire Drug”: What Is It Really Supposed to Do?

05:26 How Does This Drug Actually Work? (And Does It?)

08:12 Can You Trust the Science? A Peek Behind the Curtain

12:00 Does It Really Help? The Real-World Results

15:53 Why Did the FDA Approve This?

20:00 Measuring Desire: Why It’s So Much Harder Than You Think

24:21 Is Anyone Actually Using This Drug?

28:01 Controversy, Criticism, and Calling Out the Industry

41:33 A Sex Therapist Take: My Thoughts On What This All Means for You, Free Resources & Where to Get Help

Download the free Desire Test here.

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And if you’re curious whether planning could help your sex life and relationship thrive - it’s for you too.

We often hear that spontaneous sex is the “real” kind of sex — and that if you have to plan it, something must be wrong in your relationship. But is that actually true?

In this episode, I unpack a new study on spontaneous vs planned sex and talk about how it plays out in real relationships.

I’ll share why planning can be a game changer for some couples, and why for others — especially if sex already feels pressured or stressful — it’s the last thing I’d recommend.

You’ll also hear what I do suggest instead if just the thought of sex makes your body tense up.

We dig into:

• Why holding on to the spontaneity ideal can backfire in long-term relationships
• How planning can increase satisfaction when sex is good but just not happening very often
• Why planning backfires when sex already feels like a chore, and what to focus on first instead
• How to rethink “planning” so it’s less about scheduling and more about creating space, anticipation, and safety

The study discussed in this episode is Is Spontaneous Sex Ideal? Beliefs and Perceptions of Spontaneous and Planned Sex and Sexual Satisfaction in Romantic Relationships by Kovačević et al., published in The Journal of Sex Research.

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In this episode, I talk with researcher Grace Wang about what really happens when a male partner is dealing with low sexual desire—and how the way we manage (or suppress) difficult emotions can make or break sexual communication in a relationship.

We unpack her study on emotion regulation and low sexual desire in men, including why “just regulating your emotions” is a lot harder than it sounds on social media, how societal norms make it even trickier for men to talk about low desire, and why hiding how you feel almost always backfires.

You’ll learn:

• Why suppressing emotions (“putting a mask on”) undermines sexual communication and connection
• How reappraising your emotions (instead of just “thinking positively”) actually helps—when you can do it
• Why emotion regulation is a skill that takes real practice (and most of us were never taught how)
• How our families and cultures shape the way we deal with sexual and emotional challenges as a couple
• Why suppressing “to protect your partner” is usually a recipe for disconnection, not safety

The study discussed in this episode is Regulate and Communicate: Associations between Emotion Regulation and Sexual Communication among Men with Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder and their Partners by Wang et al. and published in The Journal of Sex Research.

If you’d like to learn more about Grace Wang’s work, visit the Cash Lab at natalieorosen.com

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

In this episode, I answer a listener question about casual sex, power dynamics, and the kind of miscommunication that can happen when you don’t talk about your turn-ons out loud. We unpack a qualitative study on how people in BDSM communities use tech (like texting) to express desires, set boundaries, and build trust — especially when things are new or casual.

You’ll learn:

• Why even light power play requires clear communication
• How texting about sex can build connection, not kill it
• How to talk about your turn-ons — including different submission styles — without overexplaining

The study covered in this episode is: Sometimes It’s Easier to Type Things Than to Say Them: Technology in BDSM Sexual Partner Communication by Hamm et al., published in Sexuality & Culture.

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This episode dives into one of the most common but rarely spoken fears in long-term relationships: what will happen if I share what I fantasize about? We unpack a fascinating new study on why people do (and don’t) share their sexual fantasies with partners — and the surprising gap between what people fear will happen, and what actually does.

We'll cover:

• Why fear of judgment often outweighs the actual risk
• The five most common reasons people keep fantasies private
• How to explore whether sharing is right for you, using my free, step-by-step exercise

The study covered in this episode is: A Content Analysis of Reasons for Disclosing Sexual Fantasies and Partner Responses by Kimberley et al., published in The Journal of Sex Research.

📝 Grab your free fantasy reflection exercise here

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In this interview episode, I talk with researcher Dr. Simone Buzwell about how relationship inequity negatively affects female sexual desire — and why fairness outside the bedroom might matter more than you think inside it.

We unpack her study on desire, domestic labour, and gender roles — including why same-sex female couples often report higher desire, and what happens when heterosexual couples fall into default patterns neither partner consciously chose.

You’ll learn:

• Why emotional and cognitive labour can erode desire — and how to recognize the invisible load
• The difference between solitary and dyadic desire (and why equity only impacts one of them)
• How male and female desire differ — and why it's not just biology

The study covered in this episode is: Fairer Sex: The Role of Relationship Equity in Female Sexual Desire, written by Buzwell et al. and published in The Journal of Sex Research.

📝 Grab your free relationship equity checklist here, created by Malmö Stad, Sweden.

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This episode breaks down a powerful study of over 38,000 people in long-term relationships to uncover what really keeps sex satisfying over time. Spoiler: it’s not just about frequency or trying something new — it’s about how couples connect.

We explore the 7 key habits that set passionate couples apart — and the biggest mistake many people make.

You’ll learn:

• Why emotional intimacy is just as important as physical pleasure
• How sexual satisfaction changes over time — and why it doesn’t have to decline
• What couples who still feel passion years in are doing differently

The study covered in this episode is What Keeps Passion Alive? Sexual Satisfaction Is Associated With Sexual Communication, Mood Setting, Sexual Variety, Oral Sex, Orgasm, and Sex Frequency in a National U.S. Study, by Frederick et al., published in The Journal of Sex Research:

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2015.1137854

🎧 Listen in — and if it sparks something, share it with someone you care about.

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In this episode, I answer a listener question about how to navigate mismatched libidos and the pain of repeated rejection in a relationship. We unpack the science of sexual rejection, and how it can shape desire, emotional safety, and long-term connection — often in ways couples don’t talk about.

You’ll learn:

→ The most common emotional reactions to sexual rejection — and why some responses shut down intimacy while others build it

→ What the data shows about how rejection impacts desire over time

→ A free list of conversation starters to help you open up this conversation with more clarity and less pressure

The study covered in the episode is: Comparing Responses to Sexual Rejection and Sexual and Relationship Well-Being in Couples Coping with Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder and Community Couples, written by Schwenck et al. and can be found here: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2023.2282617#abstract

📝 Grab your free exercise connected to this episode here: https://leighnoren.com/podcast-resources

🎧 Listen in — and if you find yourself nodding along, pass it on to someone who needs to hear this too.

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In this episode, I talk to researcher Noémie Viens about how perfectionism can mess with your sex life. We explore why being hard on yourself (or feeling pressure from others) can lead to performance anxiety, shame, and disconnection — and how letting go of “perfect sex” can actually make it better.

You’ll learn:

→ The three types of perfectionism — and which one is most linked to sexual distress

→ Why some perfectionists report higher desire, and what’s really going on there

→ How performance pressure shows up differently for men and women

→ What to do if you or your partner tend to be self-critical or chase validation in bed

→ How to shift from pressure and performance to connection and pleasure

The study covered in the episode is: Multidimensional Perfectionism and Sexual Difficulties Among Adult Couples: A Dyadic Cross-Sectional and Longitudinal Study written by Viens et al.

📝 Grab your free exercise to start dropping perfectionism in the bedroom, here: https://leighnoren.com/podcast-resources

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Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

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In Episode 1 of In Bed with Science: a Sex Podcast, I break down a fascinating study on growth vs. destiny beliefs in relationships — and how the way we think about sex shapes everything from satisfaction to resilience.

You’ll learn:

→ Why expecting sex to be effortless can damage connection

→ How believing sex takes effort is linked to greater support, responsiveness, and satisfaction — especially when things aren’t going smoothly

→ How to unpack your own beliefs using the free reflection exercise I’ve included

The study covered in the episode is: Responsiveness in the Face of Sexual Challenges: The Role of Sexual Growth and Destiny Beliefs by Uppot et al, published in The Journal of Sex Research.

📝 Grab your free exercise connected to this episode here

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link